


no, not again.  not now, not ever.

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Band Fic, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8820649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: wherein jink isn't breathing & taemin thinks he can walk away





	

No, not again.  

Taemin stared at his leader, his blood running cold.  He was frozen now, mind numb with only the word “no” running on a loop through his mind.  

No, not again.  Not now, not ever.  

He placed his hand on the man’s arm, closed his eyes, breathed deeply, & shook again, hard.  

“Hyung.”  

Nothing.  No, not again.  He backed away slowly, his breath coming in shallow, ragged, his vision beginning to blur & he had to work to force down the panic that threatened to topple him, drop him to his knees.  

No, not again.  Not now, not ever.  

He knew in his head he should reach out, check, make sure that he wasn’t overreacting.  But he couldn’t.  He didn’t want to be the one to know, he didn’t want “to know” again.  

Minho-hyung, he needed Minho-hyung.  He nearly tripped over a cord, & knocked over a chair as he sprinted across the set to where Minho & Jonghyun were playing a game of chim-chim-cham. He reached them breathless, startling them both with his labored breathing & pale face, his complexion devoid of color.  

“Taemin-ah..” Minho barely got out before Taemin began panting, “Onew-hyung…he…I can’t wake him…I shook his arm…he won’t wake up!”  

The last he said with eyes wide, terror written across his face.  

No, not again.  Not now, not ever.  

Immediately Jonghyun was striding across the set, attempting to get to their leader without drawing attention from the staff still preparing for the MV shoot.  The shoot that would start very, very soon.  Minho distractedly patted Taemin’s arm & muttered half-hearted assurances, his eyes focused on Onew, before joining Jonghyun, moving swiftly across the room.  

Taemin stood rooted where his hyungs had just a moment ago been calmly playing a silly game, shaking uncontrollably, gripping his body so tight he was certain there would be bruises by morning.  He watched as they each shook the leader, their voices inaudible & their panic muted through years of practice controlling their expressions.  

It wasn’t fooling Taemin.  

No, not now.  Not again, not ever.  

Key came up behind him, a hand to his back, startling Taemin who choked back a shriek with a quick inhale of breath.  

“What’s happening?  What’s wrong?”  He followed Taemin’s gaze across the room.  “What’s wrong with…is that Onew-hyung?”  Taemin nodded, his eyes still wide, his body stiff, as he continued to watch Jonghyun & Minho’s unsuccessful attempts at waking the eldest up, their neutral expressions slipping, revealing flashes of panic.  

No, not now.  Not again, not ever.  

“Come on.” Key said, slipping his hand onto Taemin’s arm & gently leading the maknae over to the scene.  Of everyone, all evidence to the contrary, Key would be the one to remain calm, Key would be the one to figure out a solution, Key would clean up the mess before it was noticeable to outsiders.  

When they joined the two it was clear that they were running out of ideas.  

“He’s breathing”, Minho whispered, “But we can’t wake him up”, Jonghyun finished.  

“Good, that’s good”, Key murmured as he brushed the hair from Onew’s face to better observe him.  Key knelt down & surreptitiously slipped Onew’s wrist into one hand, placing the other gently on the pulse that should be beating on the leader’s neck.  

It was strong, the breath was faint but deeper than last time. Feeling eyes on them he motioned for the others to relax, pretend that they weren’t afraid their leader was dying on a chair on a set for a music video while staff bustled around them.  

Thinking quickly, he took the first course of action that popped into his head & began to chant “Hyung, Hyung, Hyung, Hyung” to the tune of “Lucifer”.  Jonghyun & Minho stared at him incredulously, eyes wide & he just shrugged as if to say “It’s the best I got”.  Taemin kept his gaze on Onew, staring, hoping, & praying, flashes of whispered breaths, empty bottles, darkness, & screams slicing through his mind.  

No, not now.  Not again, not ever.  

Suddenly Onew opened his eyes, squinted at them, sighed, & closed his eyes again.  He brought a hand up to his forehead, covering his face.  

“Can you keep quiet for a while?” he asked in a tone of exasperation. Met by silence, he opened his eyes again, frustration & understanding radiating from his gaze. “No, not now, not again, not ever. It won’t happen again I swear.” Three of the members relaxed with relief & the fourth with resignation.  

No, Taemin thought, not now, not again, not ever.  Something had snapped, fallen into place, & Taemin suddenly felt an indescribable calm & the sharpest clarity settle over himself. He understood that he would never let himself go through that again: he couldn’t.  He turned & walked away while the other three kept their attention on the eldest, murmuring & occasionally stroking his hand or hair, disguising the action as an attempt to fix his appearance, a gentle teasing.  

But Taemin didn’t see it.

Taemin wasn’t watching,

Taemin was done.      

~

Taemin had been the one to find him.  It should have been evident that something was wrong, the signs were everywhere, but he was so excited that all the clues blurred as he skipped out of his shoes & down the hall.

Taemin was startled when he burst into the bedroom & found the eldest hyung asleep, the room so dark he almost didn’t see the bundled form: he’d forgotten that Jinki had no schedules that day.  

Normally Taemin would have let him rest, normally he would have left the leader to sleep in peace: this was a different day.  

He was graduating, they were going to Paris, Jongin & Joonmyun-hyung were debuting, all of it causing Taemin to be a bundle of excited nerves.  

That missed all the clues.  

All the damn clues that would be so obvious later but were fleeting forms out of the corner of eyes too bright to see what was right in front of them.

He flipped on the light & jumped onto the bed, his knees pressing against his hyung’s back, eyes bright as he leaned over, shaking the man’s arm.  

“Jinki-hyung!  Wake up! You’ll never…”, his words slipped away as it slowly became evident to the maknae that something was very wrong. He was sitting right behind Onew yet he could barely hear him breathe.  Why couldn’t he hear him breathe?  Leaning down he rested his head just above his leader’s face, barely catching the faintest whisper of breaths slipping out of the man’s mouth.  

Why couldn’t he hear him breathe?

“Jinki-hyung?” he murmured, pressing the arm again.  It suddenly fell limply to the front, shifting the leader slightly.  That it changed nothing in the depth of his sleep, or the shallowness of his breath, terrified Taemin.  He tried three more times to wake Onew, growing louder at each turn, before he backed off the bed, turned for the door, & sprinted down the hall praying to every saint that his cell phone was where it should be & not lost God-only-knew-where.  

It wasn’t.  

It wasn’t there.  

It wasn’t there it wasn’t there it wasn’t there.

~

When they left, Taemin, holding the letter limply in his hand, finally saw it all, all of it: the bottles, the empty glass, the eerie silence, the darkness, it was all there.  

It always had been.  

~

“Don’t you get it? I chose you, over anyone else. I always fucking choose you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”, Jinki whispered, looking down at the boy sobbing into his arm, his fingers limp in the grip the other had on his hand.  Taemin’s head snapped up, his eyes flashing.  

“Don’t you ever say that to me, ever.  You don’t get to decide.”  Jinki sighed, & leaned back, turning away, eyes unfocused.  

“I’m not worth it Tae, I’ve never been worth it.”

 _You always were to me_ , Taemin thinks as he stops remembering & starts watching.  It’s been months & months & Jinki’s kept his distance so Taemin has kept his as well.  It’s so hard because private Jinki & public Onew are not the same man but Taemin has no alter identity to slip into & he doesn’t have the strength or patience to lie so easily.  

Not about Jinki.

They’re standing in their row, the host is asking them perfunctory questions & now she’s asking Jinki questions & he finds his focus.  He’s still angry, still hurt, but it’s Jinki & he’s not figured out how to be disinterested in the man.

“Aren’t you already a diesel?”, the MC asks, & Taemin’s mind flashes with memories of a handsome form & he on impulse reaches out & brushes his hand down Onew’s thigh.

“Yes, especially here.”

The crowd laughs & Onew’s face scrunches up, the pursing of his lips lets Taemin know that he’s hit a nerve & for that he felt a small spark of satisfaction.

But he’d also felt something else.

He’d touched Jinki.

It was meant to be casual, but the longing he felt, the overwhelming familiarity of it all, & the burning impulse to reach out again startled him.  

The rest of of the interview went by in a numbing blur while his senses were overwrought & his thoughts slipped out of reach.

He had been doing it for so long, he couldn’t even remember the first time it had happened, or what had specifically sparked it.

That was a lie.

It was easier to pretend that it wasn’t.

And as angry as he was, the truth had not changed.  The memories that came flooding back were overwhelming & he knew that the next time his fingers slid over Onew’s thigh wouldn’t be deliberate; it would be instinct.


End file.
